Look-out:
Twenty Hints to Yankees

By Rob McLean  

If you just moved to a southern state from "up north," you need some help.

1. Be assured you can live here the rest of your life and never really fit in. You can groom your children's children to fit in, however, if you start early.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean you can't stay home the one or two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in  the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Do not buy food at the movie store.

6. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All  y'all's" is plural possessive.

7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

8. People walk slower here. People talk slower here. People do everything slower here.

9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol'  truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new "southern" influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. If you want to sound uneducated, just keep speaking that-a-way.

12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a  southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. Pay attention to hand signals.

15. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the  proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

16. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already  know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off  trying to find it yourself.

17. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in "drippins," it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more  than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. Park your 1969 Camaro directly behind the dish.

20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

How 'bout a guy like me who started life as a Southerner (Texan) and has moved north?

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