"I Should but I Can't."

By Tom Duncan

Probably no word can cause you to feel more guilt than the word "should."

• "I should spend more time with the children, my mate, my parents, my friend."
• "I should keep my apartment cleaner, the yard mowed more often, the car polished, the dog groomed."
• "I should stay at work until this is finished, the boss goes home, the meeting ends."
• "I should have more friends, more money, more body muscle, more energy."

Usually, your "should-do," "have-to-do" and "need-to-do "  situations all stem from your own choices. Yet, they seem so real, so necessary.

Now add the words "I can't" and you are suddenly a victim of your own choices.

"I can't" implies being helpless and a victim of something beyond your control.

• "I can't make many friends because I am too shy."
• "I can't make more money, because I did not have a chance to go to college."
• "I can't exercise because I am too tired."
• "I can't stay at work because I need to go home to my family."
• "I can't stay home with my family because I need to go to work."

In certain situations, you believe you can't because of certain characteristics that you have or think you have.

Dr. Richard Gillett in his book Change Your Mind, Change Your World writes, "The characteristics that we think we have are often no more than other people's observations of our past behavior. Once the generalization is made, we then make sure we behave according  to the characteristic, which proves that we have that characteristic. Once we believe we have a characteristic, once we label ourselves,    we become victims of the label and limit our free choice."

"I can't" is nothing more than a limiting belief.

But beliefs can be changed.

In the book Claiming Your Self-Esteem by Carolyn M. Ball, M.A., she writes the first step in creating change is to start where you are.

Why?

When you base your happiness on things being different from the way  they actually are, you are giving away your power. You are actually reinforcing the belief that you do not have the resources  to live life the way you want.

Things are the way they are. Feeling and thinking, <169>

• "Why me?"
• "What did I ever do to deserve this?"

make you a victim.

Change starts from where you are. This means you can't start where you want to start: you have to start where you are. Once you realize where you are, however, you can change from there.

Then you can start to change the "I can'ts" and ignore the "I shoulds." Those words that make you a victim.

Certainly, there are things in life that are beyond your control. For example, you can't be in two places at one time.

However, even then you have a choice of attitudes.that can keep you from being a victim.

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