Marriage: What's In It for Women?

Women and Marriage: Many married women feel they have lost their very self in marriage.

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Many women are working today, at least in part, because they are afraid not to work. As the divorce rate rises, more and more women work to maintain security, for both their children and themselves.

It is a fact that even mothers who trusted their own husbands to support them, after a lifetime of observation, are warning their daughters, "You are your only security and your children's only security. You are the only person you can trust to care for you and your children."

What results do we see from this lack of happiness and lack of trust in marriage?

A national survey conducted over ten years ago found that 36 percent of the single women polled had considered having and raising a child without marriage.

Now that is happening.

We are seeing more and more young women choosing, not getting caught in, single parenthood rather than risking a poor marriage.

Although most agree that a good marriage would be better than single parenthood, they feel the chances of a good marriage are not worth the risk. However, wanting motherhood, they head for the nearest sperm bank instead.

More and more marriage is seen as a choice, not a necessity for women. Stephanie Coontz in her book The Way We never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap, writes, "Marriage has ceased to be the main impetus into or out of other statuses, and it increasingly coexists for women, as it has long done for men, with several other roles. The orderly progression from student to single jobholder to wife to mother to married older worker that prevailed from the 1920s to the 1960s, for example, is now gone. Modern women take on these functions in different orders or occupy all of them at once."

We are seeing more and more women with or without children divorcing and choosing not to remarry. For some this is not a conscious decision. For some it is a conscious decision but can not be explained.

One woman (38 years old) in my seminars who had been divorced six years said, "I want a relationship with a man; men are wonderful. But something happens to women when relationships turn into marriage. I can't say exactly what it is but I know I never want that in my life again. So, I am going to raise my children, date occasionally as long as the dating stays casual, and think this through. I can decide about this relationship thing when the children are grown."

Another (mid-thirties) smiled and said, "I don't have children yet and I want children. But after my experience in marriage, I don't want a husband again. It wasn't that my ex was awful but there was a part of me that couldn't be alive in marriage. I need the freedom to be me."

Another woman in her early thirties said emphatically, "You're right. Women are expected to give up too much for me to want marriage again. And, frankly, there are other ways to have children."

Whenever this topic came up, many women had that look you get when a new idea is agreeable. A few looked surprised.

A few women looked shocked!

And a woman whose children were in college or grown said, "I have decided to move in with Paul but that is as far as it's going. Although I can't really explain why, I don't want to be married again. This way, if that wifely behavior ever seems to be expected of me again, I can and will leave. Don't get me wrong, I do all the housework and cooking plus work full time and pay one-half the household bills and my total expenses. It's possible that arrangement is not fair but I'm used to that. I know it will stay that way. The other is something I can't put my finger on, but I know it's part of marriage."

Women often feel lost and unhappy throughout their marriages, but they can never put their finger on the reason they feel so lost. They are unable to find a language to communicate their feelings and desires.

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Note: The opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the writers and do not necessarily reflect the position of CyberParent. They are not intended to take the place of advice of a health or other professional whose advice you might need to seek.

For Women Only Directory	Letters from Women	Marriage and Women: Directory of Series:
Magic Pill	Work vs. Home Work	Why Are Women Leaving Marriage in Droves?
Loneliness	Women Need to Work	What's In Marriage for Women?
Happy Face	Women and Abuse	Why Is Marriage Unhappy for So Many Women?
I Should But I Can't	Questions for Brides	Early History of Marriage
Scents and Fragrances	Silent Contracts	19th Century Marriage
Sleep	Directory of Series: Men & Sex for women.	The 1950s Hangover!
Men and Women Talk	Men and Sex in Today's Society.	Crossroads for Marriage
Book Reviews	Men Use Sex to Connect.	Prince Who?
Martyrs and Mothers	Men Relate Through Sex.	Happy Wives Make Happy Husbands!
Are You Depressed?	Men & Sexual Rejections by Women	Random Thoughts on Marriage
Setting Limits in Relationships.	Male Sexual Attitudes, Fantasies, Masturbation.
Your Attitudes and Behaviors	Lust and Getting Lucky
Test Those Nagging Doubts About Your Relationship