Stepparents letters. Questions and venting about being a stepparent. Letters from CyberParent readers.

Nineteen-year-old son causing problems

My husband and I are having real problems blending two families. We are searching for help, and do not know where to turn.

The problem is with his 19-year-old son who attends a local college and still lives at home.

He has got some kind of resentment to me and we do not know where it comes from. It has gotten to a very serious level. I had to call the police on him this other day because he shoved me up against the wall and pinned me there.

He has threatened me on several occasions and tells me I am going to do what he says or else. He has told me to get out of the house and never come back.

A 16-year-old son and my 15-year-old son are also in the house.

The boys all have started fighting. I am afraid to be in the house when my husband is not
at home so I stay with a friend when he is at work and I am not.

Are there any groups or any suggestions you can give us?

He refuses to go to counseling. We are in counseling with the other 2 children.   Any help is greatly appreciated.
Dina

Answer

Try the book Coping in a Blended Family by Jane Hurwitz. She writes, "Just a with divorce or death in a family, the formation of a new family can create a period of transition that is unsettling. Belonging to two families can leave young people feeling uncertain and anxious. When young people move into new households, they often balk at new rules and feel divided loyalties between the present and absent parents."

Although your situation sounds more severe than normal, and you may have to ask him to move out. If you could help him get an apartment for a month or two, great. If not, you have rights as a stepmother. With your husband, express those rights. If that fails, ask him to live on his own until he can respect your rights.
JW

Fears Ex-Wife's New Marriage Is Wrong for Daughters.

My soon to be ex-wife is already talking of re-marriage to a man that she admittedly doesn't love because she thinks it would be in the best interest of our daughters ages 11, 10, & 8.

The "new" man is coming off a bad marriage himself. He has been divorced for 8 months and has custody of two children ages 12 & 9. My wife thinks he would be a good role model and could certainly contribute to the families financials.

I think she will be making a big, big mistake and my primary concern is for my girls. I know I can't legally stop her from remarrying and I am trying to find statistics on single parenting vs. step parenting.

What will this do to my girls if this second marriage doesn't work after 6 months or a year or two?

I know virtually nothing about this man and fear that he could be really detrimental to my daughters.

Any advice on what I can do to protect them? Or convince her that this is not a good move?

Any and all advice or referral would be greatly appreciated.
CC

How Can I Help Step-Daughter?

I'm beginning to embark on the "stepchildren" realm and until recently, things were going extremely well.  The scenario is this (in a nutshell)...the children are ages 4 and 2 with a biological mother who is not only manic depressive, but also suffers from multiple personality disorder.  She had custody of the children while my fiancée' was stationed in another state with the military.  Needless to say, she had an "episode" and basically neglected the children and "dumped" them off when she just couldn't handle them any longer.  They are now living with my fiancée's mother (their "Grammie") until he receives his transfer to relocate back to the state in which they presently reside.  Now for my problem at hand...    The oldest child (a girl, age 4) is very close to her mother which I understand completely.

Unfortunately, her mother suffers from mental complications which prevent her from making logical choices in statements that she makes to her daughter.  Add to that the fact that the ex-wife feels "threatened" by my existence and you have one huge problem in the works!  My question is, "How can I make a positive impact on this child's life when her mother is filling her head with complete nonsense regarding me?"

If someone could please give me a clue as to how to handle this, I would be most appreciative! Thanks!
N

Answer

Start by finding out something about bipolar disorder. I know your library will have books on it. In fact, you can probably find out a lot about it on the internet.

When people have this disorder, they do not respond to things like you do. Since they are incapable of meeting you on your turf, you might have to gain knowledge about their turf and meet them there.

Regardless, stepmothering takes time. You probably can not make a positive impact right away. But it sounds like they need someone so hang in there.

Before you marry read the book Stepmothering by Pearl Prilik. It helped me. Maybe it will help you.
JW

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