Stepparents and professionals answer questions from stepfamilies.

Stepparents

Stepparents' Questions and Answers

Stepparents and professionals  answer questions about stepfamilies.

As the blended family becomes more prevalent, we find stepparents giving each other advice. This is a page for stepparents and professionals to answer questions.

Question:

My relationship with my stepdaughter is good and solid...the problem is that I am apparently not going to have children of my own, and I'm having a terrible time coping with the emotional connections between my own infertility, the fact that I'm not "mom" but have the responsibility of a full time child, and my irrational resentment that my stepdaughter's mother "unexpectedly" got pregnant with another child and now gets to be "mom" again, while putting slim investment in her first child.....I could go on, but you probably get the picture.

I really wanted to be a mother, entered stepparenting with a conscious commitment to sensitively integrating my step-daughter into the family my husband and I planned to have. It never crossed my mind that there would be no more children. I get resentful sometimes that I don't get to be mom, but I don't get the benefits of a childless life (such as they are).

Its very emotionally confusing, and its a situation that few people can relate to...."at least you have your stepdaughter...."  I am totally committed to being a good stepmother to my stepdaughter, but I feel like I'M getting lost.

Is there anybody out there who can relate to this?

F

Answer 1 of 3:

 I can so relate to your situation. I have been married to my husband for 3 years now. I have a step-daughter (12--almost 13) who is wonderful. Her mom
has custody, (so we pay child support) but she spends 3 1/2 days a week with us and 3 1/2 days a week with her mom. When I got married, I fully intended on having my own children, too--but soon found that I would not be able to have children. My role is a confusing one. After longing to be a mother with
all of the joys and heartaches that go along with that role, I have become just "step-mom". My husband's ex-wife feels threatened by me and that translates to the daughter, who passes that along when she comes over...she is
afraid to be close to me--she is very protective of her mom, and if liking me (or loving me) causes her mom discomfort, she quickly withdraws. Her mom also spoils her--and can afford to give her anything she wants. At her mom's she has no responsibilities. At our house, she has household responsibilities and has to keep her room and bathroom cleaned up--it is a constant struggle, because she doesn't have to do these things at her mom's...I become the ''bad guy". She also expects that I should buy her all the clothes she wants. Her mom plays a clothes game and will not allow her to bring clothes over to our house... In the past, I have bought her clothes, and those, too end up at her
mom's. I am so, so, frustrated and hurt. I am trying so hard and all I get is a lot of grief with none of the joy of being called mom. I feel like I am stuck in a web and I can't find a way out...it intensifies my feelings of grief for not being able to have my own children.

HM

Answer 2:

Yes, I can totally identify with you!!. I married a man who has custody of his 12 year old son. We've been married now for two years. Don't misunderstand, I love my stepson and he loves me. I too am having difficulty conceiving - and I very often have a hard time dealing with the fact that I am a full-time mother to someone else's child.

Well, since your stepdaughter's mother is having another child and putting "slim" investments in the first one, and since you are unable to have children, (which some of us unfortunately can't), then maybe this was the intent. 

A friend of mind said to me, "this is God's way of fulfilling your desire to be a mother." No, she is not yours biologically, but think about
it, your desire to be "mom" has been been given to you. Accept it and make the most of it. There is no need to dwell on it.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3:

To the childless step-mom...
Sister, can I relate!!! 18 months ago I married a man with typical
visitation rights for his two children, now ages 6 & 8. I don't want to have children of my own, he agreed. I accepted my role as step-parent, knowing that anything I do for them will be a plus, a gift of sorts.

When they are with us, their time is spent as they like. They play with
life long friends and cousins in the neighborhood. I am an elementary
teacher and share my love of reading and science with them. We make cookies and exploding volcanoes. I was prepared for all this. However, I fully appreciate the "advantages" of being childless, financial freedom and free time among them. But neither exists.
The children's mother has moved them out of state after marrying her
live-in boyfriend because she can't keep a job and he could support
her. Since this is her 6th move in the last four years with at least as
many jobs and the FOURTH school for the second grader alone, we decided to file for custody. $8,000 so far! In addition, now we pay $400 per month to fly them back 2 or 3 times a month. So much for financial freedom! (She's angry because she has to pay to get them back! Her sugar-daddy has told her he can't afford the extra expense so she had to get a job. Aw, shucks!)
We now get the children every school holiday. What do you think that does to MY holidays? So much for free-time! My mother-in-law thinks it's so nice that I'm off on school holidays so they don't have to stay in day care. I would insist they go to day-care except we can't afford it.

I have all the disadvantages of being a mother, no money and no free time, and all the disadvantages of being a step-mother.

I was told by a sister step-mother, "DON'T SEE THE MOVIE 'Step Mom'!"

R.

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