Stepparents: Six common
problems of stepfamilies
and stepparents. Some conflicts of a stepfamily are almost inevitable. Yet, knowing what
conflicts are likely to appear with stepchildren and spouse will make your new role as a stepparent more smooth. |
Six Stepfamily
Problems: Conflicts
for stepfamilies fall in six different categories. If you enter the "state: of
stepparenthood without prior discussion, planning and agreement with your spouse-to-be,
you will certainly be caught by one or more of these conflicts. And, frankly, even the
best planned, discussed, and agreed-upon-in-advance blueprints will meet with some
problems such as the six discussed below. It's the nature of the beast: stepfamily!
1. Unrealistic expectations of marriage.
- Belief that romance will conquer all.
- Belief that marriage will "jumpstart" his/her life.
- Belief being married will solve all problems, including loneliness.
- Belief that life will continue to be like the courtship phase was.
- Belief that romance will stay alive in a marriage unaided, or even with lots of
help.
2. Unrealistic expectations of a stepfamily.
- Belief that a stepfamily will be immediately loving: the instant family myth.
- Belief that stepchildren will love you.
- Belief that the stepchildren will respect and/or obey you.
- Belief that a stepfamily will be like a nuclear family.
- Belief that the biological parent, your spouse, will support you in ways that
are not happening.
- Belief that the biological parent, your spouse, will see your side.
- Belief that the biological parent, your spouse, will intuitively know what you
want--that he/she can mindread.
- Belief that the stepchildren will be fair to you.
- Belief that the stepchildren can think like adults.
- Belief that the biological parent, your spouse, will want to function as a team.
3. One spouse is not involved in the care of his/her children.
- One partner, say dad, seemed very involved with this children while the couple
were dating. After marriage, however, Dad seems to forget about the children.
Stepmom takes on most of the care. In fact, Dad and the world seem to expect that this
will be the case.
- One partner, say mom, turns over the care of her boys to stepdad. or vice-versa.
- One partner wants authority without involvement.
4. One spouse feels his/her children are treated unequally in the family.
His and her children:
- One parent, say dad, feels he is trying much harder with her children than
she is with his children.
- One parent, say mom, feels she is doing everything possible to be fair to his
children. He is not being fair to her children. Over time even small inequities can build
up to major problems when relatively consistent.
5. Problems with the biological parent.
A biological parent will be a real portion of your new married life, dead or
alive.
- Alive biological parents present practical problems such as holidays, major
family events, involvement with school, sports, and other outside activities, plus
continued contact between your new spouse and his/her old spouse.
- Dead parents bring discussions of death, grief, visits to cemetery, emotions,
and living up to an idealized parent and possibly an idealized former spouse.
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