| No Improvements Here
By R.B. McLean
If there is anything we truly desire in a mate, we must
find someone who already has that trait.
People marry to be accepted as they are, not to be improved upon by their
partner. In addition, the power of love can't create what was never there in the first
place. It just won't happen.
When you look at a luncheon or "specials" menu, you often
see the phrase "no substitutions, please." You are accepting the
"blue-plate special" when you choose a mate. No substitutions will be allowed,
now or in the future.
Relationships are weakened and even destroyed when one person sets out to
change another person in a significant way, whether this person is friend, spouse, or
relative.
Think about it. I resent someone who tries to change me. Don't you?
Relationships are strengthened when identities, values, and other traits are
supported by a mate. At the very least, these traits should be tolerated, if not
openly supported.
When goals and values are very different, a long-term commitment that is
satisfying to both partners is hard to impossible to accomplish. In fact, even when
day-to-day routines differ, someone must change to accommodate the other.
Take the routine of paying the bills for example. One mate/partner wants the
bills paid as soon as they come in. The other partner just wants to make certain they are
paid on time. These two people will probably be able to work things out.
However, say he is the type who loves money. He wants to keep the money
as long as possible in order to count it, taste it, and kiss it often before giving
it up.
She is uncomfortable with two days of debt. He uses an excuse--like keeping it
to earn interest-- instead of admitting the real reason, a love of money.
But trouble is waiting. Someone will have to handle the routine of bill-paying
in a totally different manner from their level of comfort in this relationship.
People who are different from us seem fascinating and stimulating. However, it
is those who are most like us that tend to make better mates.
Why?
1. We are the most comfortable with people who are most like we are.
2. Our core values and beliefs are a major part of our identities.
3. We feel personally rejected when our core values and identities are not
accepted.
4. We want our partners to agree with the beliefs we hold most dearly.
5. We will defend our core values and beliefs, even arguing over the basics,
before reaching a compromise or making a decision together.
Partners who have different values seem to face a more difficult adjustment
then those who have more values and beliefs in common. In fact, when two people bring
different values to a relationship, the relationship will have more conflict than normal.
By the same token, too much similarity can be boring.
Do I want someone exactly like I am?
No way!
So we actually need someone who shares our important values but who is
different enough to broaden our perspective and make life interesting.
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