Letter
Low Self-EsteemHello,
My daughter, Brehonna, who is 10 and in the 5th grade is very quiet, withdrawn, and
lacks self esteem.
I became married 3 years ago and she seems
to have accepted my husband after the first year of marriage. My husband has 2 children,
one son who is 13 and one daughter who is 10. His son does not live with us, although he
visits on occasion. His daughter has lived with us on 2 occasions. She lived with us our
first year of marriage and she is now living with us again. She has lived with us at
our and her request.
Brehonna, seems to be resentful of Kiara.
Brehonna treats Kiara mean a lot. Kiara does really well in school, she is really
organized and Brehonna does good in school and is not so
organized. Brehonna compares herself to Kiara in academics, looks and weight. Brehonna
tends to set her standards according to how Kiara looks, acts and does in everything. She
has said, in jealously, Kiara is the best in everything. Whenever, Brehonna does something
better than Kiara, she wants everyone to know she was better.
I have talked with Bre regarding this
situation and explained that there are people who will not be a good in certain areas and
who will be better in certain areas. If we practice we can become good at anything.
When Kiara is gone (to NC with her Mom) Bre
really misses her.Whenever I give Bre the attention that I feel she needs from me then
Kiara feels left out. What to do?
AR
This column is for educational and
entertainment purposes. The advice given is merely my thoughts. Professional advice should
be sought before any decisions are made.
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Meet Lynda Finn
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Reply from Ms. Finn
The fact that Bre misses Kiara when she goes away is a good sign
because that indicates that although there may be some troubling rivalry, there is no
deep-seated animosity. There are a few things I can suggest. Make it a secret project to
tell and show Bre how good she is at things. Although there are certain areas in her life
which may use improvement, there must be lots and lots of things about Bre which are
terrific. Make a list of her talents and virtue (for your eyes only) and add to it
whenever anything else occurs to you, and act on these.
For instance you may see her relating well to a younger kid, you could say something like,
'You'd make an excellent camp counselor one day Bre, you're
neat with little kids.' Or if she is good at art, put her artworks in a prominent place,
or have
some framed and really give her the feeling that her work matters.
Praise her too for the things she doesn't do. Example: 'I'm so glad you don't leave wet
towels on the floor in the shower room Bre, I was just reading about some people who do
that all the time...yuk!'
If we look hard enough we can see many things which our children *don't* do, which are the
bane of life in some households. Kids need to be appreciated and valued for who they are,
what they do but also what they don't do.
You might also speak to the girls and ask them to make a list of 10 things they like about
each other, they may need help with this because I'm not talking about 'she has long hair'
or 'she's thin' - what I hope for are 10 things about the personality:
*Bre loves animals and they love her right back.
*I like the way Bre giggles - and so on.....
(Do this separately and in secret)
Then make a decorated list headed "10 Things Bre Likes about Kiara" and "10
Things Kiara Likes about Bre". - to display in your home.
Don't leave out the other kids though....they should have their lists too.
The useful thing about this is that you get to sit down with each child and talk about all
the good points. Now of course Bre thinks Kiara is much better than herself in every way
but she will be pleasantly surprised to find that Kiara has 10 (at least, go for more if
you can) things she appreciates about her.
You as Mum and Dad could also make your own list about the kids, but be aware of
competitiveness when they both read your lists, you will certainly have to be aware that
if you put something such as "Kiara is helpful in the
kitchen" and it's not on Bre's list, she will infer that you think she's not helpful
in the kitchen - life is a minefield with children eh?
I think it would also be a good idea to have special time with Brehonna whether Kiara is
away or not. (what a beautiful names :-) Suppose, for
instance, you dedicated Thursday evening to Brehonna and for two hours before bedtime, you
and she did something exclusively together....it could be almost anything - reading,
starting a quilt, table tennis, swimming -
word puzzles. Just Special Brehonna & Mom Time.
You may like to suggest that Kiara has a similar time slot and depending upon your
schedule, include Dad in this. Each child should have some time with parents when they
don't need to compete and can just be themselves.
You mentioned that Brehonna is physically different from her sister. You could do a lot of
work on this, talking about different races of people and
how genetics plays a huge part in how we look and are. It might also be good to talk about
the way advertisers deliberately make us feel bad about ourselves (30 minutes of ad time
will prove this) and ask all your children to be aware that they are being manipulated if
they believe the hype.
They are all too young yet to really take this on board, but if they get a
feeling of their own self-worth from you, they will weather these adolescent
storms.
And that's really the bottom line - children should have the feeling that they are valued
and appreciated, that you wouldn't want to be without them, that they are a special part
of your life and no one else would do. If you can convey this through words and actions,
your children will eventually emerge as strong, confident individuals.
Kind regards,
Lynda Finn
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