Letter
Low Self-EsteemDear Ms.
Finn,
Hi, My name is Joseph and I have a few problems with being shy when trying to
meet new people. I often get frustrated at myself because I'm not really showing the
comfortable, laid back, and humorous side of me. If you have any tips or advice you could
send me please do so, it would really help.
Thank You
Joseph
This column is for educational and
entertainment purposes. The advice given is merely my thoughts. Professional advice should
be sought before any decisions are made.
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Meet Lynda Finn
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Reply from Ms. Finn
Hi Joseph,
The main reason we get shy when trying to make friends with new people, is because we
imagine that they are judging us. Depending on our over-all level of confidence, this can
be anything from 'what a jerk' to 'I wish he'd go away'.
Our imaginations rarely tell us anything good such as 'Wow, he's a hunk.'! It's
always something negative - so we have to fight this.
Chances are, when you start talking with someone, you are looking for all sorts of signals
in their body language and facial expression which tell you they don't really want to be
talking to you...this is due to your lack of self-esteem.
The way to beat this is to first of all stop imagining their negative reaction until it
happens and if it does, then you know early on that this is not the sort of person you
want to be involved with anyway. In fact it is just as likely they will find you
personable and pleasant and even if they don't fall in love with you right away, fall at
your feet and pledge undying devotion, chances are you'll have a reasonably interesting
conversation with them at least.
If you decide, long before the encounter that you are going to smile, be happy and
interested in the people you meet (rather than talk about yourself as lots of people tend
to do) then you will know that you have said and done nothing which will turn people off
you...so if they do give 'no thanks' signals, it is NOT your fault.
Get the conversation round to them as soon as possible, people love to meet someone who is
interested in them (but don't ask prying, personal questions or you may get a bop on the
nose!)
'Hi, I'm Joseph, can I get you another drink?' Is a good all-purpose start in a bar or
club, which allows the person a straight, 'Sure, thanks' or 'No thanks'. Never push, if
the person turns down the drink, but don't assume *you* are being rejected too...there are
at least 500 reasons why someone
doesn't want to strike up a conversation, and 499 of them are nothing to do with you!!
Be cool about conversations which don't work out, give a big smile as if you've just been
told you've won the lottery and say, 'Fine, next time maybe?' and move on.
If the person accepts the drink then the next thing to do is find something about their
personal appearance to compliment. That tells them not only that you've noticed something
about them, but are interested and prepared to give a little light flattery too! (Don't go
over the top, it looks suspicious!) Then you could say, 'I'm an accountant for Becker and
Borage, (insert your real occupation of course) what's your job?'
Keep the smile, the pleasant look, the interested eye contact. Ask questions which will
lead to more than just 'yes' or 'no' answers and *listen* to the replies, they will give
you clue to the personality as well as a cue for the next part of the conversation.
Above all, don't make assumptions about what you think they think. There is nothing more
boring or infuriating about some one who says, 'I know what you're thinking...' and then
proceeds to tell you a whole load of horsepuckey about your supposed opinions!
Has anyone ever said to you: 'I know what you're thinking, that I'm too
fat/dull/talkative/drunk huh?' (or any one of a thousand things you *didn't*
think!!
Did it make you mad? Did you think, 'I wish they'd stop putting words into
my mouth and crummy ideas into my head.'
Humans do this all the time and it is the worst relationship killer (along
with jealousy) in the world. If you must assume, always assume the BEST not the worst.
You say that basically you are a laid back, humorous sort of guy, but maybe you need to
feel really comfortable with a person before this comes out. We all of us need to trust
others to some degree before our real characters begin to show. Trust does not come
instantly when we meet new people, so neither will this part of your character. If you are
still pleasant, always polite and with a nice smile - chances are the person of your
choice will respond in the same sort of way. They may feel nervous too, after all they
don't trust you yet either, so bear this in mind.
If you are the nice guy you sound to be, then eventually, given a little time, your
friends will pick up on this and you'll be able to be the Real Joseph you know you are
inside.
I hope this is of some help to you.
Kind regards
Lynda Finn |
