How Can I Be a Loving, Bonding Grandparent?You know, the kind children will remember as loving and loving them when they are my age!

Generation Gaps Are Alive Again. Surprise! The generation gap returned in spades with the birth of your first grandchild.

Discipline Grandchildren to Obey Your Rules. What happens when Nana and Gramps have rules that conflict with freedoms Mom and Dad allow?

Ever-Changing Grandparents
We are grandparents in a changing world.  We have to make an effort to know where this generation is coming from in order to give them the best of our love and understanding.

Combining Cultures and Values
And learning when to mind your own business!

Grandparents Have a Right to Grandchildren! You have a right to your grandchildren. More than that, however, your grandchildren have a right to you!

My granddaughter starts using a computer at the age of two. My six-year-old grandson asks my husband what a f...ing bit.. is. My divorced son lives with his girlfriend and her daughter. They have his two children on alternate week-ends. My unmarried daughter talks of wanting a child but having no use for a husband.

My grandmother or grandfather would not be able to handle this much change. Sometimes, I wonder about me, too.

We are grandparents in a changing world, one that is changing so fast that we will be left behind unless we make a conscious effort to learn, adapt, become open-minded, and reduce the shock-factor by changing.

We have to make an effort to know where this generation is coming from in order to give them the best of our love and understanding.

Grandma welcomes change with open arms, a big smile, & fewer lectures about "her days."
Grandparents adapt to change and changing by trying new systems for delivering birthday presents.

Grandpa holds on to hat as change sends him flying into the 21st century.

How can we do this? I doubt if I'll spend too many days attending concerts or learning rap-speak. I am not likely to visit what I consider the fringe of today, but I can read about them and their views with an open mind.

I don't comment on my grandson's haircut or the unusual diet of my granddaughter. I find something pleasant to say about my granddaughter's attire or I keep quiet. And I keep reading, to open my mind.
I prod my spouse to try new things: such as leaving messages on answering machines--just to show you how far I have to prod!

You know, the funny thing is, as I open my mind to their world, I find I am an ever-changing grandmother, rather than one who is set in her ways: the ways of a bygone day.

Instead of atrophying, I am growing.

Instead of saying, "Never say those words in front of me," I can gulp and go on my way. Note: I still prefer the cuss words of my own day. No one even blinks at those now.

Instead of shutting my ears to new music, I can learn to appreciate it by listening to it for several months.

If we refuse to make concessions to the new ways of the world, we might lose touch with the children and grandchildren we love. Actually, one way to feel young is to welcome new ideas and adventures, as strange as they may seem at first.

Well, maybe my grandparents could handle this much change. Actually they went from the small town to the large metropolis, from horse and buggies to autos to space ships to the moon and beyond, from women as the property of their husbands to women's suffrage to women's lib, from birth control by self-control to pills to abortion.
Maybe they did not always agree, but they were never stuffy about or seemingly appalled by the changes. By George, if they could change that much, I can handle it!

But I still prefer the cuss words of my generation. At least my hair doesn't stand on end.

Discipline Grandchildren to Obey Your Rules.

"Come on, you guys. It's 9:00 o'clock and time for bed," says David's and Paul's grandmother.

"Oh, come on, Nana. Mom and Dad let us stay up until 10:00 o'clock," says Paul.

"Yeah, Nana, They let us stay up 'til the news starts," whines David."

"Bedtime is at 9:00 o'clock at our house," Nana replies.

"Nana, pleazzze, just another half hour," begs John.

Definitely some discipline and consistent rule leadership needed here.

Nana states again, "Bedtime at our house is at 9:00 o'clock."

Or try this scenario:

"O.K. kids, everyone in the back seat," says Meagan's and Tom's grandfather as they start their trip to the store.

"Oh, Gramps, Mom and Dad let us sit in the front seat now," says Meagan.

"Sorry, Sweetheart, but Nana and I feel like you are safer in the backseat," replies Gramps.

"But we always get to sit in front now," whines Meagan.

"Yeah, Gramps. Mom and Dad know whether we're safe or not and they let us sit up front. Only babies have to sit in the back seat," gripes Tom.

"Pleeeze, Gramps, at least let one of us sit up front," continues Meagan.

Gramps states again, "Sorry, kids, but in our car, you ride in the back seat."

A familiar rule and discipline scene at grandparents' houses: Nana and Gramps have rules that conflict with freedoms Mom and Dad allow.

What's a grandparent to do?

Nana and Gramps calmly repeat the rule. They don't acknowledge, argue, or pass judgment on the parent's decisions. They simply state and restate the rule at "our" house.

What do you do if (when) the child starts to beg and whine? You repeat the rule simply, firmly, and consistently.

Children learn to nag because it pays off. Grandparents are probably bigger softies than parents. Children discover if they nag hard enough, long enough, and loud enough, the grandparent often gives in. Giving in even once makes children to continue to question discipline.

When the nagging continues, simply state, "Bedtime is at 9:00 o'clock at our house. If you choose to ask again or not to comply with this bedtime, you will choose to go to bed tomorrow night at 8:30."

Or say, "You must ride in the backseat in our car. If you choose to complain or ask about this again, I will go to the store alone."

Notice that the child is making the choice of his/her behavior and the consequence. The grandparent is not punishing the child; the child is making the choice.

This approach to discipline and rules empowers children. They are responsible for their own decisions.

You have continued with consistency. You have concluded with a consequence. All actions have consequences. Notice that if a child chooses to behave in a certain way, he/she selects the consequence.

A grandparent cannot control the rules use by the children's parents. They can only control their own. Some grandparents are afraid of loosing the children's love and affection if they enforce rules and regulations. This never happens.

Children need limits and boundaries. They will consistently test the boundaries. Grandparents must consistently enforce the boundaries to keep their grandchildren safe and to keep visits enjoyable for the grandparents, too. Even grandparenting can be frustrating when children continually test to see if we will be consistent and follow through with consequences.

Your grandchild might be surprised the first time a consequence is enforced, but he/she will soon begin to realize that his/her behaviors have consequences, even at Gramps' and Nana's house. Our grandchildren's behavior will change if we continue to be consistent and use consequences in a calm fashion.

How Can I Be a Loving, Bonding Grandparent?

You know, the kind children will remember as loving
and loving them
when they are my age!

Even though I don't live close to my grandchildren, I want to bond with them.

Some grandparents are lucky. They live close to their grandchildren. The grandchildren can even go to their house every day after school. They can make cookies and sing and tell wonderful stories and take the kids to run and play in the park. Bonding is easy. Other grandparents, like me and you, are not so lucky. We are doing well to see the grandchildren once or twice a year.

How can any of us bond with our grandchildren even if we are thousands of miles away?

The obvious answer is to move closer to your grandchildren. But this assumes you are retired, a writer, or self-employed in a "portable" business. Many grandparents fail this test of "luck," also.

For those of you who can relocate, other problems arise.

Let's say you have three children and their respective offspring. They reside permanently in three corners of the United States, or even the world. They divorce, remarry, or move in with a significant other. You are talking impossible.

Other factors, such as health, climate, metropolitan living conditions, frequent transfers, etc., make moving after your children and their grandchildren impractical Yet no one loses more than grandparents and grandchildren who do not know and bond with each other.

Then you need to know how to stay in touch and bond with your long-distance grandchildren.

Contact, even for short period of time, can go a long way toward establishing a close grandparent-and-grandchild relationship. This relationship will endure for the lifetime of your grandchild. Indeed, long after your death, your grandchild will continue to feel that closeness and the warmth of your love for them.

This much bonding could happen within just one week.

How could a lifetime of bonding happen in one week?

This happens because children expand time. One treasured memory can warm a child and then his adult self for a lifetime.

This expansion of time makes a very small period of time with you go a long way for each grandchild. Exclusive does help bonding, however.

Keep that week just for you, your spouse (when available), and one of your grandchildren at a time. Exclusive helps speed up the bonding process.

One way to spend exclusive time is to travel with a grandchild rather than just visiting in each other's home. Even a short trip can bond you for life and beyond.

As grandparents, we usually bond with our grandchildren much the same way we bonded with our children. and that was much the same way our parents bonded with us
Klaus, Kennell, and Klaus in their book Bonding, write, "Thus, long before a woman herself becomes a mother, she has learned from the way she was mothered and through observation, play, and practice a repertoire of mothering behaviors."
We pass these on and on.

And you thought generation gaps were over when your children adopted regular clothing and traditional hairstyles, then quit listening to that weird, loud music.

Surprise! The generation gap returned in spades with the birth of your first grandchild.

Take the way infants sleep, for example. This is definitely an example of the generation gap!

My friend Jan told me, "My grandson is two months old, and my daughter and I have been having a big discussion over his sleeping position. They put him on his side or back. She says babies who sleep on their stomachs are more prone to crib death. Some study in France was supposed to prove that kids who slept on their stomach died from crib death 10% more often than kids who slept on their back. But when my children were babies, we learned that if a baby slept on his back he could spit up and choke to death.

"My daughter says her pediatrician says my way is just another old wife's tale. But it makes me nervous to leave little Jamie on his side or back. I feel like I have to stay there and watch him sleep, just in case he chokes. Sometimes, I put him in the swing and let him sleep sitting up so I can get something else done."

Changes that make generation gaps are hard for grandparents to take.

I was certainly surprised when I saw my daughter-in-law mixing my granddaughter's formula with warm tap water. We boiled the water first. When I said this, she laughed and said she was following her pediatrician's advice. I didn't argue and it certainly didn't hurt Ashley at all. Even so, I still use distilled water at my house for mixing formula.

I suspect there's no real proof about child rearing theories regardless of which theories are currently popular. Most new mothers are nervous anyway, though, so there is no reason to add to the confusion by pushing your own theories.

In fact, avoid some surprises and an "Oh, Mom" or two by reading the same childrearing books your children are reading. You may not agree with today's trends, but at least you'll be prepared for the changes and ready for the generation gaps to come.

Something else has changed. I got to take my child home from the hospital even though I could not prove I knew a thing about children or had any paraphernalia for rearing kids. That is not true today. My daughter did not have to prove that she anything about rearing a child but she did have to prove she had a car seat!

And one last thing... Whatever happened to baby powder? Babies will never smell the same again!

Combining Cultures and Values
(and learning when to mind your own business)

Your children are not alone in how they choose to rear your grandchild. They have a spouse. They are part of a large group of aunts, uncles, and even other grandparents.

You will almost certainly find cultural and value differences with the other aunts, uncles, and grandparents, to say nothing of the other parent. Sometimes those differences are small. But there can certainly be great variations in how children live, especially when different cultures and values are combined.

But bear in mind if children have lots of people who love them and care about them, it doesn't matter if there are cultural or value variations in how these people live.

Different families have different ways of celebrating holidays. Different families have different cultures and even different religions. Even the dining habits of different families may vary.

Actually diversity is healthy. Let's take everyday dinners. My daughter's in-laws are quite formal. They feed the children early and have them go to bed before the adults eat with linen, silver, and china.

This is certainly different from our family where children are welcomed at every meal and meals are usually buffet style on paper plates.
And very different from her brother-in-law's home where meals are often in the back yard, children are swinging from the trees or playing on the table, eating whenever and wherever they wish, and everyone (except his very formal parents) is doing their own thing and loving it!

One son's wife grew up in Asia. Her language, many of her customs, a few of her values and even her religion, are totally different from ours. Yet, we have all learned from each other and my grandchildren have the best of two worlds with combined cultures and values.

Children are adaptable and can always roll with the punches. So there is no reason to be concerned if your grandchild's "other" relatives differ in attitudes, cultures, religion, styles, values, behaviors, and even language, as long as the love of the children is present.

However, it is wise to talk to your children about the rules, regulations, cultures, and values they choose to use in raising their children. They choose and you remember that it is their choice, not yours. It's also important that these choices be respected by the various relatives.

Substance abuse or other dysfunctional traits should be confronted, though, regardless of the unpleasantness involved. These are your grandchildren and they deserve your help for a normal life.

Grandparents Have a Right to Grandchildren!

When your children divorce, what is your role in your grandchildren's lives?

It should not change.

Some grandparents hesitate to intrude. However, let us give you some good reasons to intrude!

In a study done about divorce in California, children of divorce were given support by only 25% of their extended family, including grandparents.

Yet if children lose the relationships of their extended family and their grandparents, too, it compounds and worsens their feelings of loss, confusion, and sadness.

When you can lend stability, continuity, love and support for your grandchildren, please don't hesitate to go to bat for being with them.

And if your ex-daughter-in-law or ex-son-in-law remarries, continue your involvement with your grandchildren even there,  when at all possible.

You have a right to your grandchildren. More than that, however, your grandchildren have a right to you!

No one can ever have too many people loving them. Stand up for their rights.

See how other long-distance or busy grandparents stay-in-touch by checking our weekly tips.