The world is changing for grandchildren and grandparents. Despite two generation gaps and other problems, more and more grandparents are raising their grandchildren.

Grandparenting

The Changing Role of Grandparents

Sally Houtman, M.S.

The world is changing for grandchildren and grandparents.  Despite two generation gaps and other problems, more and more grandparents are raising their grandchildren.

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Imagine for a moment the following scenario…

Your youngest grandson is now 2 ½. He’s lived with you briefly on and off during his mother’s frequent run-ins with the law. It’s midnight. You’ve just gotten the call you’ve been dreading. Your grandson is at the police station with a children’s social worker. A neighbor had brought him in when he wandered next door asking for something to eat. His parents were nowhere to be found. The social worker needs to place him with a family member, or he’ll go into foster care. You aren’t prepared to raise another child. What do you do?

These are but a few of the gripping and far-reaching questions which have faced and continue to face a growing number of grandparents who, for any number of reasons, find themselves becoming parents to their grandchildren.

Currently, the U.S. Census Bureau estimates that there are more than four million U.S. children living in homes in which a grandparent is the primary caregiver. In nearly a third of these homes, there is no parent present. The grandparents in these cases face untold challenges for which no amount of parenting experience could have prepared them. They learn through trial and error that being a parent is very different when the children they are raising are not their own.

Grandparents who are faced with the foreboding prospect of raising their grandchildren are confronted suddenly with an endless stream of unanswerable questions. Are they realistically suited for the job, and will they be able to rise to the many challenges that lie ahead? Are they healthy enough? Will they have to quit their jobs to care for the children? Will they have to re-enter the work force to afford the added expense? What about the emotional strain? Being a parent for a second time means jumping headlong back into the whirlwind of responsibilities, decisions, disciplinary dilemmas, medical appointments, homework assignments, parent-teacher conferences, and the list goes on. Will they hold up, or will they crumble under the weight of it all?

As if making this decision were not enough, what follows on its heels is yet another series of choices and unexpected challenges. Once the children arrive, grandparents find themselves caught in a tug-of-war between the parent and the children. How does a grandparent go about setting healthy and consistent limits for a child whose parent continuously undermines his or her authority? Who has the final say on issues when a parent and grandparent are at odds? If a grandparent’s goal is to provide safety and security for their grandchildren who have had none, then how does a grandparent protect the children from a parent who seems to present the biggest threat to their well-being? How does a grandparent compensate for a parent’s absence, irresponsibility, or broken promises? How do they get an absentee parent to take a more active role in his or her children’s lives? How hard should they try?

It seems an understatement to say that grandparents raising their grandchildren have their hands full. Not only have they inherited the dubious distinction of becoming parents to a generation of children once removed, but they are simultaneously balancing this against their ongoing role of parent to their now adult children. In essence, they’ve become parents to two generations at the same time. And doing double duty entitles them to twice their share of parental grief.

From their adult children, these grandparents will often bear the brunt of guilt and blame. Anxious to escape culpability for the chaotic state of their lives, these adult children seek out the easiest target, inundating the grandparent with such powerful statements as, "You’re trying to turn my own child against me," or, "If you don’t let me see my son when I want, I’ll leave and take him with me."

At the same time, these grandparents are fielding attacks from the other direction. Their grandchildren, who now have uncomfortable and unfamiliar restrictions placed on them, will unfalteringly remind their weary grandparents, "You’re not my mom or dad."

Children who come to live with their grandparents bring with them more than the average share of emotional and behavioral problems. Thus, grandparents who become parents to their grandchildren are sure to inherit more than the average share of resistance, rebellion, and limit-testing behaviors. Children whose parents have been unavailable or neglectful will wind up feeling unwanted and abandoned, and a burden to their new caretakers. Ironically, these children may desperately cling to what little their parent is able to give them, idealizing the parent, and leaving the grandparent feeling unappreciated and rejected. Being caught in the crossfire leaves grandparents feeling like they just can’t win.

For this reason, support and information is essential for all members of such a family. As the phenomenon of grandparents raising their grandchildren becomes increasingly more common, information and resources on the issue are becoming more numerous and more accessible. For those interested in sources of support, or just more information on the subject in general, start by calling the AARP’s Grandparent Information Center at: (202) 434-2296.

Article by Sally Houtman, M.S., author of , "To Grandma’s House, We…Stay: When You Have to Stop Spoiling Your Grandchildren and Start Raising Them."

The author’s book contains additional information and resources.

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