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One
all too familiar scenario was where visitation rights for grandparents were cut out
from grandchildren's lives because a parent - consciously or
unconsciously - had found a way of 'punishing' their ex-partner.
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A very unhappy situation which grandparents can find
themselves in is if the rift between the couple includes the extended family. In my
research I heard of the way divorce had wrecked the lives of many senior family members. I
heard from one grandmother:
Glenda: 'One Christmas a happy family time, and by the next my son was divorced and my
ex daughter-in-law had gone to Australia with my two loved grandsons. I don't even have
their address.'
One all too familiar scenario was where grandparents were cut out from grandchildren's
lives because a parent - consciously or unconsciously - had found a way of 'punishing'
their ex-partner. The fact that the children suffer too was sometimes overlooked in the
heat and pain of the situation. For a child to cope with a broken family is one thing, and
hard enough, but to lose one set of grandparents as well is to deny a child part of their
history.
One little acknowledged impact on the grandparents from their children's divorce may be
rage towards an ex partner who has hurt their child. Even if both partners have
contributed to the breakup, blood is still thicker than water, and the old protective
instinct will kick in. At the same time there is often unacknowledged grief at the loss of
a son or daughter-in-law because of a divorce.
Margaret: ' My son-in-law hurt my daughter and the children, and his behavior made my
husband ill with worry, but I did love him and couldn't just stop. He was like a son to
me. I couldn't talk about that, of course.'
So to the grandparents who have been affected by a family crisis, whether a
step-grandparent, someone parenting for the second time, or a person grieving for a 'lost'
grandchild, they are all victims of circumstances. Whilst some braced themselves to take
on parental duties, others mourned the loss of the status as grandparents.
Ellie: 'When things were very bleak indeed, I remind myself that grandchildren are our
hope for the future. So I found it in myself to give hope for the future to my
grandchildren.'
All my research has pointed to the importance of grandparents for children, but especially
for children of divorced or separated parents. If the awful words 'we're getting a
divorce' are heard from one of your children, you can be sure your help is going to
be needed in many ways and that your days of being just a ' fun' grandparent are probably
over. The trick is to keep a balance, support for your children and their children, but
also to remember that a grandparent has a special relationship with their children's
children - so if circumstances allow it, find time to enjoy just being a grandparent. Back
Jill Curtis - a psychotherapist and grandmother - author
of:
Making
and Breaking Families - the Way Ahead for Parents and their Children
Where's
Daddy? - Separation and Your Child. |
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