Self-Disclosure
builds friendships.
Self-disclosure
is usually the first step in establishing a confidant. And it is scary because
of the potential rejection factor. Do it anyway!
Start by
sharing a few private thoughts and/or feelings with one person you might want
for a close friend. If the person is responsive, he/she will usually share a
personal thought or two with you.
If he/she is
not responsive to your overtures, don't think of this as a rejection.People
may be non-responsive for reasons of their own or merely as a perception of
yours. Nevertheless, they can't be rejecting you because they don't even know
you yet.
Listening and acknowledging builds friendships.
Often when your
child, lover/partner, or friend tells you a story or voices a complaint, he/she
is just asking for acknowledgment.
This does not
mean that he/she wants agreement or compliance; it
merely indicates a desire to be heard and understood.
Try these three
steps to acknowledgment:
1. Repeat back.
2. Don't invalidate.
3. Don't try to change.
4. Don't problem solve.
Many conflicts in your personal relationships
can be avoided if you will take the time to acknowledge other's feelings
and points of view. For more information about acknowledgement, click here.
Listening and attending builds friendships.
Paying
attention to someone is called "attending." It means that your ears,
your eyes, your body and your feelings are all focused on that person at one
time. Attending is a very important part of any relationship. It includes:
1. Being there physically
2. Focusing
3. Eye contact
Looking at and
focusing on another person shows that you are "there for him/her."
For more information on attending, click here.
Talking Is a
Talking is an
integral component of friendship.
When a friend
talks and reveals ideas or feelings, he/she is expecting shared information in
return. When the talk is not equal, the person talking feels as if the listener
is uninterested.
In fact, the
person who is always the listener is really playing the role of a counselor,
not a friend. Anytime you have been talking for more than a minute or two
without participation from the person you are talking to, you are lecturing,
bossing, or putting that person in the role of a counselor.
Loyalty, Equality, and Respect build friendship.
Friends are
equal. Without equality, you can't have a close friendship.
Friends are
loyal and trustworthy. No one can confide in someone they can not trust to be
loyal and to keep his/her secrets.
Friends have
similar values. Our value system is so important to us that our friends' values
must be close to our own or we will not have respect for this friend.
Friends
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Friendships are relaxed, loyal
relationships that involve intimacy, communication, and empathy. Friendship is
a relief. Friends relate.
Friendship is an
in-depth, relaxed relationship!
Friends relate.
It is an in-depth
relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding,
empathy, and intimacy.
These are certainly aspects
of life that all of us crave.
Being able to trust and
relax with your friend is a big part of friendship.
Remember when you were
young and went with a friend to her grandma's for the week-end. It was fun but
when you got home, home was wonderful. Your feeling was "I'm home. I can
relax now."
That's what a friendship
should be.
You go out into the world
and do your best. You have your ups and downs, your problems and triumphs, your
fun and tribulations. You charm and you perform.
Then you come
"home" to a friend. You can relax, put up your feet; you are
relieved. If you still have to be charming and/or performing, it's not a
relief.
Friendship is a comfy
situation like home. You get home, kick off your shoes, relax and sigh, "Ahh, home."
But no one can form a
friendship until he/she realizes that the basis of being friends is meeting the
needs of the other person. One must be a friend to have one.
Never forget that friends
relate. Relating is the basis of friendship.
What is a
friend?
Someone who...
Accepts you as you are,
Believes in "you",
Calls you just to say "HI",
Doesn't give up on you,
Envisions the whole of you
(even the unfinished parts),
Forgives your mistakes,
Gives unconditionally,
Helps you,
Inspires you to be the best you can be,
Just happy to be with you,
Keeps you close at heart,
Loves you for who you are,
Makes a
difference in your life,
Never judges,
Offers support,
Picks you up,
Quiets your fears,
Raises your spirits,
Says nice things about you,
Tells you the truth when you need to hear it,
Understands you,
Values you,
Walks beside you,
X-plains things you don't understand,
Yells when you won't listen and
Zaps you back to reality.