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Surfer's letter
to CyberParent looks at many aspects of abuse in her life. |
12 years and 10 days ago I married what I thought was the perfect man for me. I was
very young (19), inexperienced, and immature. I was easily "taken" by his
looks, status, age (he was 33). He treated me as though I was made of glass.
He genuinely "courted" me. Took me places, introduced me to people, seemed
proud to be with me, proud to tell others we were a couple. I married this man with
the full intention of doing everything I could to make him happy. I didn't realize
that you couldn't make this man happy.
The evening of our wedding day it began. First with little mind games.
Things
that I could never put my
finger on, so I assumed he was right, after all, he was much older and much wiser
right? It wasn't very
long at all, maybe a week or so, before the humiliation came into play. Embarrassing
me in front of my
family. Never, however, in front of his friends or in the general public.
Just
in front of my family. I
know now that he was trying to sever any family ties that I had. He did not want me
to have a life
outside of the marriage. I left him 2 weeks after the wedding. I did not know
at the time that I was
pregnant with our first daughter. He made so many promises, he seemed so genuinely
apologetic, I didn't
stay gone long. I went back "home" to him.
I suspected that I was pregnant, but kept it to myself for awhile. I finally broke
down and bought a
test. He already had 2 children from previous marriages. At the time they were
ages 11 and 14. He had
the 14 yo son living with him. I was excited about my pregnancy. For as long as
I can remember, all I
ever wanted to be in my life was a good wife and mother. I assumed *incorrectly*
that he too would be
excited. He wasn't. He was angry, he was hurt, he insisted that I have an
abortion. He made the
appointment, took me to the doctor with $400.00 cash in his pocket. I went into the
doctors office, he
did the exam, told me he could do the abortion right then. I told the doctor I would
call him the next
day, that I needed time to think about it, then I came out to my husband and told him the
doctor said I
was too far along for an abortion in that state.
I was very sick during my
pregnancy. I had toxemia, and
my life and the life of my baby was at high risk. I was ordered on bed rest, but my
husband would not
allow that. He also did not allow me to have maternity clothes outside of a dress
that my mother had
bought for me. The maternity nylons that I had to wear with this dress were worn to
a frazzle with
holes and runs from top to bottom, but he wouldn't let me spend $4.00 for a new
pair.
I left him again, at about 6 months pregnancy. I moved back in with my
parents. It was now that he showed
an interest in this child, and in me and my health. He wanted to take me on a
"date". Get reacquainted he
said. So I went. It was at this point, 7 months of pregnancy, that he informed
me he had had a vasectomy
11 years earlier after the birth of his youngest son. In my ignorance, and I might
add innocence, I
looked him dead in the eye and said "I guess it didn't work did it?".
I
never realized he was accusing me
of having an affair on him. My mother told me that. His response was "the
day you told me you were
pregnant I went to the doctor for a sperm count, turned out I wasn't shooting blanks after
all". He
wined me, he dined me, he treated me as though I was made of glass. He also went to
my doctor and told
him that my mother was putting undue stress on me and that he was concerned for the
welfare of the
baby. This of course was a lie. I delivered my baby, we were both
healthy. He was there, and so was
my mother.
Shortly after my daughter's birth, I went back to him again. I figured that I owed it
another chance,
after all, we had a baby now. That was when the real mental/emotional abuse
started. He played mind
games again, only this time with a new twist. He would have me "escorted"
off the military base if I was
coming home too late from my mothers, involving all his coworkers of course,
as they
were the ones that
escorted me off. He had changed the locks on the doors a few times so I couldn't get
in. He was a
military police officer in the US Army, and therefore had an issued revolver that he kept
loaded in a
holster hanging on the back of his closet. We had gotten into an argument as I was
doing the laundry.
He went upstairs and shut himself in "his" bedroom for a short while, then came
down stairs and walked
out the door. I didn't think anything of it until I went to put his clothes away,
when I opened the closet,
his clothes were parted to reveal the empty holster. He intended for me to see
this. I was, of course,
scared to death. Eventually he came home, drunk as usual, crawled into bed, and
"wanted a little". I
gave it to him, it was easier than dealing with his attitude had I not.
I had cats
that I adored. He knew
that I lived and breathed for these cats, he would stand at the top of the stairs, call
them up to him, and
as they reached the top he would say "Hey!! Watch THIS!" and then proceed to
kick them as hard as he
could. They would literally "fly" over the stair case and smack into the
wall at the bottom. It tore my
heart out to watch this. I left again.
I had suspected over time that he was also abusing his 14 year old son.
I
called child welfare and turned him
in "anonymously", which meant that I had to give my name to the person I was
talking to, but nobody else
would have access to that information. This was in case they needed to contact me for
further
information. 15 minutes after I got off the phone, my husband rang, telling me that
I'd better never do
such a thing again, or I would be dead. So much for anonymity. He knew
everyone. I filed for divorce,
and he was very angry. He started following me. This was before there were
anti-stalking laws in the
state I lived in. I did get a restraining order against him, but that didn't stop
him, he just had his
"friends" follow me. Eventually all of this ended, and he began to
wine and dine me again. And again, I
went back. This time we decided to move offbase to a new home, a new
beginning, new memories.
It wasn't very long, and it all began again. Only this time, there was an incident
with my daughter, who
was now 18 months old. In our place, there were indoor stairs. 1/2 a flight,
then a nice big landing that
over looked the living room, then another 1/2 flight of stairs. Directly at the top
of these stairs, and to
the immediate left, was my daughters room. He was upstairs, and allowing her to walk
up and down the
long hall, when she came to the top of the stairs. I was in the kitchen, and I heard
him say to her "Now
you know if you try to go down those stairs, you're going to fall"... I came around
the corner to find my
toddler standing precariously on the top step. I yelled to him to grab her.
A
few moments later, she
tumbled down the stairs backwards, hitting the railing of the landing. I raced
around the corner, up the
first flight of stairs, to retrieve her. He had already picked her up, and was
holding her by the
shoulders as she cried her little heart out. He said to her sternly "I told you
that you would fall, maybe
next time you'll listen to me" and handed her to me saying "dumb
kid!!" I was appalled.
That was the
incident that caused me to leave the next time. However before that happened,
several other things
happened. I remember having an argument with him one dark winter night.
I went
upstairs to the
bedroom, and tried to call my mother, but she wasn't home, so I phoned my aunt.
As I
was talking to her,
all the lights in the house went out. I looked out the window, and everyone else had
lights. I don't mind
saying I was scared shitless. Our bedroom was at the end of this very long
hall. Directly to the left, as
you come out of the bedroom door, was his sons room... a little further down the hall also
on the left was
the bathroom, and at the beginning of the hall, at the top of the stairs, was my daughters
bedroom. I had
to get to her room and stay with her, make sure she was OK. I had 2 doors to get
past, I slinked down
the hall as quietly and cautiously as I could, and as I came to my daughters room, he
opened his eyes. There he was, standing on the top step, staring right at me.
His eyes was all I
could see in the pitch
blackness. He just stared his black eyed, blank, cold stare. The kind that
goes to the very core of you. He laughed, thought it was real funny. Eventually I left again, only this time he
wouldn't give me a
divorce.
He was relocated to another state pretty far away, and we had very little contact.
Then one day he
phones and wants to send me 2 plane tickets so that I can bring our daughter down for a
visit. I was
very reluctant, but being the family orientated person I was raised to be, I felt that as
a father, he had
that right, and that my daughter also had a right to know her daddy, so we went.
The
visit went very
well, we were there for 3 weeks. He wined and dined me again, and I ended up
sleeping with him, and
getting pregnant with our second, and final, child. I phoned him as soon as I found
out, and he again
insisted on an abortion. I told the same lie, that I was too far along.
We
talked about it, and decided
that our marriage deserved another chance, especially given that there was a new baby on
the way. I
moved to where he was. I now knew nobody, my family was 2000 miles away, everyone I
ever knew,
loved or cared anything about, was 2000 miles away. This was the worst 6 weeks of my
entire life.
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