Abuse: Questions, letters, venting and pleas for help from CyberParent readers.

I am a new step-mom ( 6 months) of three wonderful children.  My husband left over five years ago due to the physical, emotional and verbal abuse from his ex.  He felt that she would not carry this over to the children - but I feel that she has and am concerned about their well-being. 
What can we do? 
LA

Hi everyone out there, I have just separated from my abusive husband and
can truly say that this marriage has been hell. I didn't realize that he
was abusive at first because I had stars in my eyes and then I had a
miscarriage and just wanted some compassion. It all blew up in my face and
I began to realize what had been happening before. I felt controlled. If
I wanted to do something in the home or outside and he(the one who knows
everything) didn't agree, then it was a sudden rage. My mother and his
family are supportive of him and I've contacted outside support and have
friends. He's super sweet to all his friends. Even talks and listens to
them. I went through a pregnancy, then colic for 5 1/2 months and now I've
had enough of being told what to do, criticized, lied to and deceived. I
get the I really care about you, your shouldn't do ... because you're
emotional/moody/not over the miscarriage/ have post natal depression. You
should do ... Over the PND bit, he even contacted professionals and I was
told was a good communicator and very convincing.

I feel so angry that he has behaved this way and that I was fooled. While
I still had stars in my eyes and while I was pregnant he was so abusive.
What I have found is that if I am able to point out a few times how badly
he has behaved, he doesn't do it again but his basic 'I'm lord and master'
attitude doesn't change and it is so hard to talk to him about anything he
has done because he verbally abuses me everytime I try. Maybe the
separation will help him but I don't know if I want him back. There seems
to be too much that has gone on in such a short space of time and could I
ever trust him not to behave like that again.

At the moment I'm trying to rebuild myself and really enjoying being able
to go somewhere without being checked up on. I feel really free, even with
a young baby.

My husband's favorite line is to call someone up and say he really cares
about me and he's concerned because ..... After that all these
criticisms come flowing out. It's great to be able to identify and put a
name to what is happening and his tactics. Your information has helped and
I can identify with bits in other letters.

I think my husband has copied his mother in behavior. She rules the roost
and the put downs that come out of her mouth to her husband are really
disgusting. It made me feel sick listening to them and before we separated
I had to listen to them daily.

I'd love to be able to communicate with someone re verbal abuse. Has
anyone heard of someone that actually "turned around" and became a nice
person to the one he/she is supposed to love?

Regards everybody, Australia

Answer

When someone keeps the same attitude, no. In fact, people can't change without a real desire to change that springs from them, not someone else. Then they usually need some help. What will happen is that you will lose more and more self-esteem and then finally be unlikely to leave. Verbal abuse is like a constant stream of water eating away at YOU! I know; I was there for years. I left once; he talked me into coming back; was better for a while; went back to his old ways and seemed even worse then. Finally I left again.

Stay away from him as you are now. You will find your resolve getting stronger and your self-esteem getting higher as you remain on your own. And good luck.
DE

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