Abuse: Questions, letters, venting and pleas for help from CyberParent readers.

Just got back from court with our divorced son, He was verbally abused by
his ex for years, but the main abuse now is the children/ she has turned the
kids against him. They use her verbal words to abuse him. She has transferred
her abusive nature to them. The court will do nothing except send the kids and
our son to counseling.He has been to 7 counselors in three years, The
evacuator has admitted the she is the problem and very paranoid. Nothing is
done . The kids are now lost to the system and heaven help the future mates.
The Judges either can't make a decision or won't rock the boat. They call it
a negative bond to the mother. Have any ideas? I'm exhausted. and our son is
a beaten man. No justice.

I lived in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for nine years.
I was an intelligent and emotionally stable person. The key word, however,
is WAS.

My relationship has turned my life completely upside down. Because of the
emotional abuse I have lived with, I have become severely codependent and
have been diagnosed as clinically depressed.

How could this happen to me? More importantly, how could this happen to
you?
It starts as a personal project. You find yourself saying things like "I
can change this behavior."
You put all your effort into changing your life around to meet his needs.
You don't make plans without wondering if he will let you. You can't make a
decision without saying "I'll have to ask him if its okay." You stay at
home and wait for him to call and check up on you, because if he is truly a
controller, he will call two or three times a day. The same goes if you are
at work. He will call several times to make sure you are still there. THIS
IS THE BEGINNING!!!!!! If you aren't worried yet, read on. You will be
running for your life by the time I am through.

After a year or so of this (yes, I know I am crazy for staying), you start
to wonder if maybe you are spending too much time worried about his reaction
to your life. You start to wonder if it is worth the effort you are
expending. Then you really blow it. You actually try to tell him your
concerns about the relationship. This one conversation leads you right into
the next level of abuse. You hear things like; "you're overreacting,"
"you're too sensitive," "you don't really mean that," and "I know I'm hard
to live with, but you're no peach either. I'm the only one who loves you
enough to put up with you." Now you are angry, but still too confused to do
anything about it.

Now we can begin the mental breakdown of a formerly stable person. He is
allowed to do anything he wants. You are required to ask if you can go to
the grocery store. He starts saying things like; "are you retarded?," "are
you stupid?," and "what ever made you think that I would agree to that!."
The entire time he is mixing that up with; "I love you so much," I'd be lost
without you," and "just give me a little time, I can change." While all
this is going on, you are past the point of no return of being codependent,
and fast becoming depressed.

Why did I stay??? Children, financial security, waiting for one of the good
days. The main reason I stayed had nothing and everything to do with the
above reasons. I was scared! The abusive comments had turned into threats
of physical violence to me and my children. Calling the police would have
put him into a vicious rage. And last but not least, there were still the
good days. The bad days outnumbered the good days by far. It WILL wear you
down. I began to sleep more. I became a housekeeping wreck. I barely made
it outside of the house, because I did not have the energy to actually take
a shower and get dressed. My children were getting all their physiological
needs met, but were not getting the emotional stability they needed to feel
secure. This is what finally convinced me that I needed to get out. He
could wear me down, but my children would not suffer any more. It is a
heartbreaking experience to watch your own children withdraw from their
daddy. They want to love him more than anything, but his abusive nature
scares the hell out of them.

Yes, his emotional abuse became physical toward me. Thank God, it did not
happen to the children. I believe that I would have been just as abusive as
him, had I let them continue to live the way I was living. GET OUT!!!!
It's the most frightening thing I have ever done. I'm still scared. But I
am becoming healthy again.

J

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Note: The opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the writers and do not necessarily reflect the position of CyberParent. They are not intended to take the place of advice of a health, legal, or other professional whose expertise you might need to seek.