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It is actually a strategy for power and control by guilt. The
"I-love-you-but... person" uses negativity for leverage.
This is really a manipulative ploy that allows
him/her to remain distant while indicating that you should compromise to counteract
the but... It represents withholding, not love, on the part of the speaker.
And it is a form of verbal and emotional abuse. It can also be quite
psychologically damaging, then, to be in a relationship with this person. Your
partner is constantly belittling you while hiding behind a guise of love.
You are being manipulated in a power play. You are probably confused and often
feeling guilty. You are being verbally abused!
And what about the "I-love-you-but... person?"
This double-sided stance keeps negatives constantly focused in his/her mind.
What this person gains in power over those around him/her will be lost in love.
Eventually this person usually loses much more than he/she gains in power.
Verbal abuse is often sneaky from highly manipulative and often
charming people.
Most verbal abusers do not stop with one kind of verbal abuse
because verbal abuse is about power, not love.
The "I love you, but..." is an easy to recognize form
of verbal abuse.
Another one would be "For such a smart person you do the
dumbest things like..."
or
"For a person who says he loves his children, you..."
or
"For such a creative person, you..."
or
"You know how much I like you but for a person
who has your education, your work..."
or
"You know you're my best friend and I would do
anything for you, but..."
I think you get the picture now!
It can be your mom, your husband, your boss, your
wife, or your so-called friend. They are all verbal abusers.
Remember, verbal abuse always escalates and is almost always
followed by physical abuse, particularly if you stick around long enough.
Additional information about
abuse or being abused.
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